Endless Poems

This year has truly been

The hardest of my life

Breaks my heart time and again

To not call you my wife

Stuck now writing endless poems

To avoid a heart attack

Slowly forgetting all our homes

While wishing you’d text me back

I’m sorry for the mistake I made

And destroying all our trust

Our years together I’d never trade

Though in the end they were a bust

Nothing compares to the love we had

And how miserably we lost it in May

Didn’t know I could continuously be this sad

I miss you every single day

I can’t.

I wish I could stop thinking about you.

I can’t.

You video recorded music I enacted. You lost the tag in the ocean – but saved the icon. You made us into something so much more than either of us dreamed to be. And as I sat under the stars with you, swaying in that hammock questioning how life could ever be this good, I realized: life will never be this good again.

Now I’m left here, lonely and alone, absent of your voice, your lips, your touch – I feel as though I’ve missed out on so much of life.

If I knew how to reach you, I would. If I knew how to write and tell you how much I cared, I would send the note. I would show you everything I wrote. I would care and love and dote…

But I told you to not speak to me. I told you to not write me; do not call me; do not contact me in anyway. And my god – you’re a good listener.

And now I’m miserable. Since my eyes are closed, my heart’s arrested both of us.

Wake up. Wake up, wake up…

Passing By

Seeing you while I walk down the sidewalk isn’t easy. The energy and fluster of a moment’s glance is overwhelming. All it takes is the shape of your face, the sweep of your hair, and the outline of your aura to completely derail my existence.

I can’t think. I can hardly see. It takes my complete attention to simply pull the next breath. Blood boils inside of me, filling every crack and crevice I didn’t know existed as a nervousness overtakes my psyche. I stumble as my knees shake. My heartbeat jumps to a sprint, and my soul leaves my body. I see myself from the third person, and I feel awkward, ashamed, and abandoned.

I wonder if you saw me, too. I wonder if you saw her. I wonder what you’re feeling, how you’ve been, and how you’re getting along. I wonder what you’ve been doing, who you’ve been seeing, and how you’ve been passing your days. I wonder if you think about me. I wonder if you know how much I think about you.

Pondering the past doesn’t pay for the present. Life’s about choices, and I made a snap choice to forego the life I could have shared with you. Nonetheless, I can’t disregard the emotional reaction I felt for several hours after milliseconds of accidentally taking you in. A simple mistake; a combination of fates; or a coincidence of convenience. No matter how much I regret the loss, fear the future, or miss our laughter, I can’t modify what’s occurred. I can’t change what I’ve done.

The pig is slaughtered. The sprout is burned.

Trojan Horse

Trapped with all this nervous energy
Capturing all that this could be
Afraid of everywhere we’ll be
Willing to try this with you, and you with me

Astounded by the moments we share
As you lay next to me while I stare
Running my fingers through your hair
Questioning when I can show you I care

You say you want some boundaries
Relationships are not foundries
This isn’t steel we’re molding with lust
This is love we’re trying to define with trust

You can leave your walls up to start
While expectations we impart
But like a Trojan Horse’s part
I think I’m already inside your heart

One Second More

Apocalyptic emotion trafficking my mind. It’s impossible to escape. I feel at calm on the bow, and I’m going to exit this world in the same way I entered: quiet, introspective, and hopefully surrounded by the people I love. I cannot seem to fathom what fate’s befallen me in the present moment. It’s extraordinary how different I thought today would be from what it actually is. I live alone now. I can’t reach out and touch her, or feel the scent of her hair against my chest. I live in a shallow box on a tiered and flimsy structure. The slow and gentle caress of her feet against mine were all that was permitted in the final moments. I accepted such a gesture with eternal gratitude and joy. I know I won’t get to experience this feeling again for a long time – if ever – and it means a great deal to be present and feel it inside my mind, heart, and soul right now.

A gentle touch on the shoulder. A soothing laugh about the past. It’s all we want from our memories in Boulder. And we wish that this will always last.

Ironic most of the love songs we cherish the most involve separation and distancing. They induce a feeling of time scarcity, and with it they propel our imaginations into creating a world around us more different and painful than even Satan (a.k.a. God) himself could perceive. We’ve lost ourselves in rapture within each others’ arms countless times before. We’ve fucked so hard we can barely breathe, and we’re left speechless and dehydrated after hours of intoxicating bliss. And it all comes with a cost, for when we lose it, we lose a piece of ourselves. In this particular circumstance, that piece is larger than anything else I’ve created in my life. It’s an identity source we’ve latched onto – a codependence established over years of comfort gifted and received from the guaranteed presence of our lives together. We don’t seem to yet understand what it means to have that piece of our lives deleted.

Forever is not arbitrary, yet we’re afraid of this instant and tether. May these glasses be a tributary to the memory of our life together.

Shed a tear – even when you don’t think you’re going to. It’s incredible how easily they work their way into the world. Everything seems calm, cool, and collected, and with the simplest of vision – a realization that you’re never going to experience an emotion again like you experienced it with her that way four years ago, and the world may be shattered, black, and empty – the tears come rushing forth. They’re relentless. Vengeful after years of optimism and happiness that have been created through a life together. And they don’t give a fuck. They laugh at the world as you sob in your sleep. They call you a coward as your panic and weep. I’m mesmerized by a feeling of loss and regret I didn’t expect to surface. Isn’t this what you wanted? She tells you, “You can now live a life you’ve always wanted, free of supervision and nagging.” But you didn’t want such a life without her. You wanted a life with her, complete and full of her optimism, happiness, joy, euphoria, and love. Her love has been the most superb part of the universe. It’s special. It’s full. It’s addicting. I can’t lose it.

As you sit beside me on the couch, my eyes begin to pour. I try to stop it, but then say ouch – I need you for just one second more.

Absence Expounds

Thinking of all the times we’ll never be
Walking together along the sea
Drifting away under stars we can see
It felt so damn right you in a hammock with me

Imparted into a life we can’t trace
Daydreaming about time lost in that place
Constantly distracted in this rat race
When every other thought is filled with your face

Impossible for me to continue to pretend
I ever wanted to just be your friend
Shuttering at the thought this has to end
So I’ll continue to write until we might amend

Yearning for strength amongst the clouds
When climbing mountains or dancing in crowds
Missing your touch dampens the sounds
The definition of suffering your absence expounds

Now I’ll Give You Nothing

I feel so heartbroken in your absence
Feel like all of this is just a trance
Miss your laughter and exuberance
Crushed because there’ll never be another chance

Tomorrow serves to remind you of those who care
When they reach out with something nice to say
As much as I want to, I wouldn’t dare
I won’t be wishing you happy birthday

Take every ounce of my laughter from the wind
Search for peace within your note
Wishing somehow I could magically rescind
“Now I’ll give you nothing.” The last thing you wrote.

Even if I can’t speak to your face
Even if I asked you not to reach out
Even if I ask for eternal space
Life is worse when you I’m without

It’s embarrassing to think I stood a chance
As much as you may have started to drool
To think I was worth a second glance
In the end it’s me who looks like a fool

Ravished and broken against the wind
Ashamed if I bragged or started to gloat
Suffering now for all we have sinned
“Now I’ll give you nothing,” the last thing she wrote.

Want to give you everything until the end
Thought that was the direction we were going to take
Then I awoke scared from what I would send
Unsure now what was truly the mistake

Was it leaving that night and walking away?
Was it all of the absence of courage to stay?
Was it terror and blackness from where I lay?
Like feeling all alone on your birthday

These feelings aren’t fading into the wind
I’ll think of you always while on the boat.
Sailing the world searching for what we twinned
“Now I’ll give you nothing.” That’s all she wrote.

Grandeur Shortage of Wealth

I feel as though I’ve lost myself. A grandeur shortage of my wealth. Feel exposed with lack of stealth. Body is broken from deteriorating health.

I can’t stay focused throughout the day. Can’t finish my workouts. Just walk away. Can’t remember music. Forget what to say. Hands won’t stop shaking when I feel this way.

Sleep is a remedy I hope to use. Better than drinking or other substance abuse. Get into action. Life is what we choose. Best find yourself before your mind you lose.

Feel so goddam lonely when you’re not here. Unsure if we part ways or I call you, “Dear.” I know we’d be happy with all your cheer. A life without you is my biggest fear.